WHY DO WOMEN LIKE IT ROUGH?

All right. This is a tricky topic.

When I was working my way through college, I worked for a while as a bouncer in a popular nightclub. As a former college athlete, I fit the role due to my size and strength. I’ll never forget the first night I had to engage another man physically. I usually worked the front door of the club and I remember that a lovely blonde woman had taken a shine to me and was chatting me up while I checked ID’s at the door. She was very pretty and I thought she was out of my league— but she was clearly interested. Suddenly, right in the middle of our chat, an aggressive interaction erupted nearby and I swiftly grabbed the aggressor and hauled him out the club. He resisted, but he was drunk and I was sober. I was also much bigger and stronger than him, so he was outside in about three seconds. So after I aggressively got him outside, I gently released him and he wisely walked away. A very clean bounce.

When I walked back into the club I was horrified. I expected any interest that lovely lady might have had in me would have been extinguished after watching me manhandle another adult. My thought was that, as a woman, she might see my quick physical aggression as a turnoff— I mean, what woman wants to date some guy capable of violence? I figured any chances I had with that young lady were gone.

I could not have been more wrong.

It turns out a lot of women really like a man capable of violence. Please note that I am not saying women like violent men— but they like a man who they know is capable of violence, if needed. Big difference. I believe that the calm yet assertive manner in which I typically doled out aggression showed clearly that I was in control the entire time. And that my use of physical dominance was careful, measured, and effective. This probably made me appear to be a much safer potential partner than the man participating in a fistfight in the middle of a club.

For the entire time I worked at the club, I learned that after I used any level of physical force against another man, I could expect a handful of women to display a sudden romantic or sexual interest. This was so common that when I had to cross the crowded club with a man I was bouncing out, I would scan the crowd and take notice of any ladies whose excitement could be easily read on their faces as I passed by. I knew that my odds of going home with a lady that night had just increased exponentially.

But why?

I have put great thought into this. And I think there are a few reasons why a woman might like knowing that the man they’re with also has an aggressive side.

Some women like to be manhandled.

It seems like this might be a preference for most (not all) women. According to a survey of more than 400 thousand women on the OkCoupid dating site, approximately 62% of women enjoy aggressive or rough sex. A survey by Men's Health found that 62% of women like to have their hair pulled and 60% like their partner to take control. Dr. Nicole Prause speaks about the “excitation transfer theory,” where after a woman has been bitten, scratched, or spanked, her blood pressure goes up and her heart races in response to that pain. If that happens during sex, according to Dr. Prause, she will “interpret it as sexual excitement.” Prause says there are areas in the human brain that respond to pain, and these areas overlap with areas that respond to sexual arousal. So for many women pleasure and pain during sex can be intertwined, perhaps explaining why that big strong physically capable man might be, literally, a turn on for them.  

And for women with fantasies of being physically dominated or ravaged (a very common fantasy of many women), a man who she has observed physically dominating another human being may be desirable in a purely sexual manner.

Many women remark that the first time they experience a man being more sexually aggressive, it is different. The physicality and intensity of various forms of aggressive sex can be exciting — and it often gets a woman’s heart pumping harder and the nervous system firing faster than what might be considered “romantic” sex. That excitement often transfers to the intensity of the experience and increases arousal for the woman. And it might explain why a higher proportion of women viewing porn search for “rough sex” than men.

And from a personal perspective, I have found that the overwhelming majority of women I have dated have identified my physical strength as one of my attributes that they found most attractive. Even though I had assumed for a long time that many women might actually be turned off (or even frightened) by a large man who could easily overpower her if he ever wanted. But it appears that for many women, the excitement of a physically powerful partner far surpasses any obvious concerns about being with a man capable of violence.

Some women like to feel protected.

From an evolutionary biological perspective, many women have a deeply-rooted and visceral need to feel safe. And a big, strong, physically capable man by her side would feel like an ideal partner to keep her and her family safe. Going back to primitive times, it is likely that a woman might have seen a man who is capable of violence as a better partner— as he would be more capable of protecting her and their children.

According to Psychology Today, research has revealed that during ovulation, women show a weakness for masculine men with high-quality genes. Studies consistently show that fertile women prefer men who display masculine facial features and social dominance. Building on these findings, Gilda Biebel of the University of Konstanz and her colleagues reasoned that evolution may have also favored men who went to war. Consequently, they wondered if aggression might also be a signal of genetic fitness— thus more desirable to many women.

What can we learn from all of this?

While it may be bewildering why a woman would fall for the charms of a man who displays physical aggression, there are a few reasons why women might be more attracted to such a partner. So while the appeal of an aggressive man may be confusing on an emotional level, an evolutionary lens can bring these mixed motivations into clearer focus.

However, no individual is more of a general threat to the physical safety of a woman than her chosen partner. So I recommend that women tread extremely cautiously before entering into a relationship with anyone who has demonstrated any lack of self-control when it comes to physical aggression. The “gentle giant” is probably a much safer choice.

YoniMaster Rick