WHY CAN’T I EVER REACH ORGASM?
This is an extremely difficult question to answer. And for those women asking this question- just know this: there are many of you out there asking this question.
But I expect it is an even more difficult question for a woman to ask. Especially in a society that is quick to judge, shame, or otherwise belittle women- asking this question to the wrong person, female or male, might open the floodgates to a litany of bad advice, cruel judgments, or worst of all… dismissal.
In my life I have helped hundreds of women achieve orgasm, several of them for the first time. By any reasonable measure, I am an expert in this regard.
But I have also failed. While this is exceptionally rare (less than 2% of the time), it has happened before, and I expect it will happen again.
In my experience, I have noticed 4 factors that are most common among the women who cannot orgasm- even with my expert assistance. The good news is that each of these factors can be mitigated- and if a woman struggling to achieve orgasm can address their own problem issue(s), then she can greatly improve her chances of experiencing that sweet release of a fulfilling orgasm.
GETTING IN HER OWN WAY/NOT FEELING DESIRED
I believe this is the single thing that gets most women off the orgasm road and onto the lonely road of sexual frustration. According to Psychology Today, while sex is largely physiological for men, sex begins in the mind for women. In my opinion, having a proper mindset is about 75% of the battle for a woman to be able to regularly achieve orgasms. Once a woman’s mind is at ease and ready for pleasure, her body will usually follow!
Most sexually active women have experienced a frustrating sexual encounter where their partner has been doing everything well and they can feel that wonderful orgasm approaching- when the partner suddenly changes speed, rhythm or position… or sometimes just stops. For many women, she feels like a mountain climber being knocked from mere moments away from the orgasm summit to the basecamp starting point 10,000 feet down the mountain. And rather than start climbing again, she either quits or… even worse… fakes.
As a man, I implore every woman to never fake. Never. Ever. If your child is singing a song and stops in the middle, do you wildly applaud and congratulate them for finishing a wonderful song? Of course not. No loving partner wants their woman faking orgasms. Instead, they want to coax those wonderful achievements out of her like her own personal sex God. Trust me on this one. Make your partner earn that incredible pride felt only when he or she has given their woman that loving gift of sweet release.
Sadly, women often take themselves off track of their own orgasms too. And this is exceptionally common. I have become extremely adept at reading a woman’s breathing, movements, and response to all sorts of sexual stimulation. And countless times, I have seen women either consciously or subconsciously take themselves off the sexy road to orgasm like they just grabbed the steering wheel and swerved their orgasm tractor-trailer off of a cliff. As an expert in female orgasms, I am always surprised when this happens. All I can think is “you were so close!” While this mountain climber will always head up that mountain again, I will often discuss what they were thinking after we are all done and she is fully satisfied. Why did you suddenly stop at that moment?
And I am always stunned by the inane things a woman will think to take herself off that orgasm road.
“I was worried the check engine light came on in my car earlier.”
“I realized I forgot to schedule my tanning appointment.”
“I was thinking about how I shouldn’t have eaten that second cookie earlier.”
“My mother asked me to pick her up from the airport tomorrow night.”
I have heard each of these. And while these are valid things to think about and even to cause concern- it is very important for a woman to clear her “worry slate” and focus on the loving attention she is receiving. Most of the reason I try so hard to set a mood with soothing music and kind words is to help a woman focus. So ladies, whatever you can do before a loving interaction to help you not worry so much- please do it. You’ll be glad you did.
A yoni massage is such a nurturing experience for a woman. Most women never get to experience the absolute pleasure of laying back and receiving sexual stimulation without any reciprocation. When a woman knows she can just relax and that she is safe and that she will not have to “put out” afterwards, she is free to focus on the stimulation. So if you find yourself “getting in your own way” with thoughts that distract you from orgasm, I highly recommend you consider a yoni massage from a properly trained and safe expert.
Female orgasm requires a woman to feel relaxed, desired and stimulated. I believe that the first two are the partner’s responsibility before anything physical happens. When a woman can feel the lustful gaze of her partner and know that they meant it when they told her she looked great in those new jeans, or sexy with that new hairstyle, or even extremely intelligent in how she tackled that problem… her body will begin responding. Whenever I begin a session with a new client, I try to immediately recognize something unique about her that I find sexy or attractive. And I tell her. It’s not complicated. And always sincere.
Two weeks ago, a woman opened her hotel room door wearing a lovely outfit that included a really unique skirt I had never seen before. I let her know how attractive she looked in it and she smiled brightly. It turns out she was a clothing designer and it was a new skirt she had designed. This sweet little comment (so easy, by the way) had done more to make her feel sexy and accomplished than just about anything I could have said. Her body was already halfway down the path of arousal.
How many times has a husband come home after a hard day of work and seen his wife helping their child with homework? All the time, right?
But how many of those men crawl into bed with her later that night, embrace her, gently brush her hair back from her face, look into her eyes and tell her “I watched you helping our daughter with her homework- and I am so happy with what an incredible and loving mother you are- thank you, honey” ?
The answer- not enough.
And guess what? The men and women who do take time like this to appreciate their partner are getting laid a whole lot more than those who don’t. And they’re getting that good, sweaty both-of-you-out-of-breath-when-you’re-done sex, too! ;)
So making a woman feel desired is essential. I recently had a client whose partner’s idea of foreplay was sending a text asking if she was “ready to get dicked down?” Now don’t get me wrong, an occasional dicking down comment, in a proper context, might be appreciated, or even stimulating. But when you’re halfway through that double shift and your partner’s been sitting watching sports all day- the first comment you want to see probably isn’t that one.
SSRI INHIBITORS
These are a legitimate barrier to orgasm for many women. Period. More than half of the small number of women who could not achieve orgasm with me were on SSRIs, and that is no coincidence.
If you can’t achieve orgasms and you are taking these medications- you need to discuss it with your doctor. Sometimes an adjustment to the medication, dosage, or the time you take it will be all you need to get back on that road to orgasm.
The good news is that many women on SSRIs are nevertheless able to enjoy regular orgasms and wonderful sex lives. So other adjustments might also be helpful and you should never hesitate to discuss it with your doctor. Don’t stop trying for that sweet orgasm- you deserve it!
CHRONIC VIBRATOR USE
This is a very sensitive topic- no pun intended.
Women love their toys. And they should. But I think vibrators are like alcohol- occasional use is nice. But pounding on your lady bits daily with that industrial-strength vibrator would be like having a case of beer after work every night and wondering why you don’t enjoy that glass of chardonnay on Sunday evenings as much as you used to.
First of all ladies- men don’t vibrate.
If you spend 7 days a week hammering your privates with that jackhammer until you orgasm, guess what? Your lady parts are not going to be impressed at all with your man’s non-manufactured, non-vibrating equipment. And if your only thought is for him to become a sexual one-man-band and apply your vibrator during sex in order to get you off, I don’t think that’s a good plan either. Imagine if your husband insisted on staring at porn on his phone while having sex with you… How would it feel if that’s what he needed to get off? Instead of offering to duct tape his phone to the back of your head, maybe he should just back off of the porn a bit, right? Same goes for your SexHammer 5000.
Instead think of your vibrators and toys as a glass of wine. Great on occasion- but problematic if overused. Moderate. The number one source of sexual excitement should be your partner(s)… not your toys.
And a combination of SSRIs and chronic high-frequency vibrator use will result in a sexual obstacle course that no mortal can navigate.
FAILURE TO MASTURBATE
The final problem I have observed is that women who are unwilling or unable to give themselves satisfying orgasms often cannot get them from others, either. I always recommend that my clients periodically partake in long, indulgent masturbation sessions to explore their own sensitivities and responsiveness. Rather than just focusing on “what works,” spend time setting the mood, slowly exploring, letting your mind wander- even occasionally to places unfamiliar. Move your body, try different positions, see what feels nice. Women’s bodies are pleasure temples to be worshipped and explored.
Upon discovery of a new sensation or arousing thought, some women’s bodies are shown a new path to orgasm- sometimes one that is more intense or even more enjoyable. A woman’s sexual parade to orgasm should have many characters, settings, plots, and action. Once she has many floats in her mental sexual parade, a woman can delight in not only the orgasm at the end, but also the journey!
Women who masturbate to great orgasms also tend to get much more pleasure from sex. So give that sexy body of yours the loving attention it needs!
YoniMaster Rick
