NEUTRAL TERRITORY

I am often asked why I don’t have new clients over to my New York City apartment for their first session. Instead, I highly recommend that our first meeting be in a hotel room… or “neutral territory.” There are many reasons for this. After a first session, I will allow follow-up sessions at your home or apartment if you’re comfortable with that.

The first reason has to do with your safety and peace of mind. Until we meet in person and get to know one another, any new client and I are still strangers. A person’s home should be their safe place and sanctuary. I know that when someone new comes to my place, one of the first things I think to do is clean up everything from the slightly messy state I am comfortable living in to render it immaculate for my new guest. While I generally like having people over, sometimes I am just not in the mood to deep clean the place ahead of our appointment. I assume the same of any new client and don’t intend to cause any additional work for you ahead of our session.

While I was providing my special services in California, I would regularly have new clients meet me at my place for their convenience. That was until Miss Y ruined everything.

Miss Y was a lovely client who indicated she was unmarried and in a committed relationship where her sexual needs were not being met. For her convenience, I agreed to have her first session at my place. She had a very… successful ;) first service with me and she was eager to book again in a few weeks. That was until a week later when I got a very angry text from a purported Mr. Y wherein he threatened to murder me if I ever dare contact his wife again. In my life, I have learned never to take a threat lightly. My only response to him was two words- Message received. Even though I had already deleted all texts and correspondence (as is my standard practice to ensure my clients’ confidentiality), I also blocked Miss Y. About 10 days later, I came home late after a session to find Miss Y sitting on the steps of my apartment building, crying. I knew I had a serious problem on my hands. She kept asking to come inside but I insisted on talking to her outside. After about 20 minutes of very kind and polite conversation (where I notified her of my correspondence with her husband {she actually claimed he was a boyfriend, not her husband, but who knows?}), I asked her to leave and she eventually did.

Two hours later, I was awoken (as were a few of my really nice neighbors) by someone pounding on my door at around 3:00 am. I later found out two neighbors had already called 911. I tried to reason with Mr. Y through the door but he was yelling and threatening. Not 4 minutes after I woke up did two Sheriff Deputies meet Mr. Y in the hallway outside my apartment and escort him out of my building. During my interview with the police, they kept trying to get me to admit that he threatened me so they could arrest him. Instead I insisted that it was all a misunderstanding, and that I would not cooperate if they did arrest him. The officers assured me that he had been warned to stay away from my building. But the damage was done. My landlord asked me to move out of the building- and I agreed. So having clients over to my place once cost me my home. On a funny side note, my landlord said he’d gotten a handful of complaints over the prior year of “loud lovemaking” and he had ignored those. :)

So that’s why I hesitate before having clients over to my place. After one successful session, I will usually entertain subsequent sessions at your home and on rare occasions for a first session. But if you’re a new client, please don’t ask to come to my place.

My second reason I hesitate to come to your place is because I have confronted all sorts of difficult situations in a new client’s home. Angry dogs, clingy felines and squawking birds can be quite distracting. So can angry roommates, supposedly “cool” boyfriends, hidden cameras, and naked husbands who suddenly appear out of nowhere. I have also been inside of a hoarder’s dwelling and the home of a woman with hundreds of shiny suits of armor all around her home (and a large poodle with only the fur on its head died bright pink!?!)- either of which was more terrifying than any horror movie I’ve ever seen. So I’m not always keen on finding out if you are one of those nice sweet ladies whose abode is the clearest evidence that you are actually clinically insane.

I also find that some first-time clients will actually resort to their ordinary sex routines and they might also face the distractions of past lovers. Some women are not comfortable in a bed with a substantial body count or sexual history, so they may want to avoid their own bed, and they definitely want to avoid mine. Also, my sessions can occasionally get a bit… messy— and it just seems better for everyone if the professionals are the ones in charge of any clean-up operation. Funny side note- I once had a long session with a new client who wanted the lights out in the room. After an extremely fun session, turning the lights on revealed two things- that “Aunt Flo” had made a surprise visit, and that I place my hands on the headboard and wall much more often than I ever thought. The room looked like a certified crime scene. White sheets, white comforter, white pillows and a lovely fabric-covered white headboard were a crimson-splattered catastrophe. And yes, she was charged a pretty substantial special “cleaning fee.” I once worked in a hospital so none of that bothered me… but those poor housekeeping ladies! They’re probably still in therapy.

When a first session is moving along slowly (which is not unusual), some new clients will grow impatient and suggest I use their reliable SexHammer 5000 in the nightstand conveniently beside the bed. My services do not usually involve sex toys and I do not bring any with me to the service. Of the 98-plus percent of satisfied clients, none of them has ever said to me after a session, “I wish we had used my vibrator.” My goal always is to activate a woman’s libido and response to human sexual touch. Bringing in the electronics kind of works contrary to that purpose. Occasionally, a regular client might ask to bring in a device for assistance with that fifth or sixth orgasm in a session together— and I am amenable to almost any request of a trusted repeat client. ;)

All things considered, a nice hotel room with freshly-laundered sheets is the very best setting for a first session. It is neutral territory. You are not haunted by the ghosts of past lovers who have shared that very same bed, and I don’t have to worry about your angry possible-husband waking up my neighbors. And I don’t have to be confronted with a white poodle with only the fur on its head died pink (I swear I am not making this up— and no, it was not Halloween).

So book a hotel room, please. Queen bed works fine. King bed even better. I’m tall. ;)

YoniMaster Rick