It happens a surprising number of times. And I am almost always caught off-guard.

I’m proceeding through the slow touch portion of the service when all of a sudden… hello? A hand, usually gently, sometimes not-so-gently, grabs me. Right in the crotch. No warning. No request for permission. Just a nude woman suddenly and unexpectedly grabbing herself a handful of my… ahem… equipment.

Now don’t get me wrong, a sudden unexpected exploration of my most private parts by a sexy nude woman isn’t always the worst part of my day. However, in my personal life, when I am in an intimate exchange where exploring each other’s bodies becomes an expected part of the interaction, I am usually more… prepared. I am suddenly reminded of the Seinfeld episode where George begins yelling, “I was in the pool! I was in the pool!”

Seriously though, I have come to believe that there are three different reasons why a woman might suddenly grab me in the middle of the service. I am curious about your thoughts, and welcome your comments and input.

Theory 1: To Know That I Am Aroused

In such a scenario where I’m not yet “fully prepared” to be the recipient of a hearty grab, I am usually feeling very sorry for the woman. It has always been my belief that most women who are very aroused when they suddenly grab me are doing so because they want to feel that I am also aroused. They are really sexually charged up and in need of some hard (no pun intended) evidence that they are also turning me on as well. To feel me in an unaroused state might actually make them feel sad.

So rather than go looking for my package- it’s always better to convey with words what you are looking for. Tell me that you’re turned on… ask me if I find you sexy… or ask me if you’re turning me on. I can almost guarantee that my spoken response (I will never ignore you, by the way) is going to do more to gratify you than a handful of my junk- whether I am physically aroused or not.

Theory 2: Just Curious, Wants To See “What I’m Working With”

A second theory is that the grabber is just feeling so free and open sexually that she wants a chance to simply explore my body a little as well. This is actually somewhat comforting. To know that I have created an environment where she feels so free and safe with me personally that she can just “go for the goods” suggests that whatever I have done up until that point- it has left her feeling almost as comfortable with me as a close lover. For that I am actually honored. However, when tempted to reach for my manhood like it’s a vegetable in a supermarket, I recommend you simply ask first. While I will usually politely decline, you might enjoy some of the other parts of my body I might be comfortable letting you handle…

Theory 3: She Wants Me And She Wants Me Now

This theory is always the last that I consider when a client suddenly gets all grabby. Even in any dating scenario, I never assume that she’s wanting sex until the message is abundantly clear. I carry that over to my work with clients. I have had some women embarrassingly apologize immediately after the grab. Others have pretended it was an accident. “Sorry I was reaching for my phone” wasn’t very convincing when her phone was across the room inside her purse- neither of which were anywhere near my crotch, which she had just grabbed and given a hearty five-Mississippi squeeze.

Other women just go with it like we’re at the end of a third date together and we’ve just been making out for twenty minutes. The surprising uninvited physical advances I have endured include being kissed, licked, bitten, slapped, groped (one woman was quick enough to actually get her entire hand down my pants before I could protest), choked, and having my hair pulled. Each of these has occurred without warning and required lightning-fast reflexes to deflect or defend against. Now while I am a tall and very strong man easily capable of defending myself, I really don’t like having to play defense. Instead, I simply suggest you ask first. You might be surprised what I am comfortable with. But we need to be on the same page first. And if I say no ladies… no means no. And if there is a less drastic request that you’d like, maybe start with that one.

While a verbal proposition (or even demand) is appreciated for its clarity, I almost always politely decline. Only when a client is less than polite herself (or even rudely persistent), will I become more assertive. And don’t pretend you didn’t hear me- my voice is very easily heard and understood.

So which of these 3 theories do you think is most likely?

I am often surprised by the client who does it. Often the grabby gal is not who you’d expect. I’ve had grandmothers and kindergarten teachers grab at my genitalia without warning like it owed them money. And I’ve had female police officers, soldiers and construction workers who could not have been sweeter in how they politely asked to explore my body.

But one strange correlation I have noticed is a marked difference between East Coast and West Coast grabbers. I performed my services in southern California over three times as long as I have in New York, yet the number of east coast grabbers is so much higher. I’m not sure if the higher-stress, faster-paced lifestyle is somehow correlated to the sheer physical aggression of east coast ladies. Or if California’s more politically sensitive climate has been subjecting more of my west coast clients to sexual harassment training. But either way, you NYC gals are definitely keeping me on the defensive far more often.

But I guess the moral of the story is something we all teach our children: “Use your words.” Talk to me first. Tell me what you’re feeling or wanting to feel…

YoniMaster Rick